In Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Croatia, Cyprus, Latvia, Italy, Israel, Germany and Austria, it is illegal for a parent, teacher, or anyone else to spank a child. In some states and provinces, it is only illegal for a teacher to spank. In all areas of North America, physical punishment by a parent, as long as it is not severe, is still seen by many as necessary discipline, and condoned, or sadly, even encouraged.
For the past several years, many psychiatrists, sociological researchers, and parents have recommended that we seriously consider banning the physical punishment of children. The most important reason, according to Dr. Peter Newell, coordinator of the organization End Punishment of Children (EPOCH)1, is that "all people have the right to protection of their physical integrity, and children are people too."2
1. Hitting children teaches them to become hitters themselves. Extensive research data is now available to support a direct correlation between corporal punishment in childhood and aggressive or violent behavior in the teenage and adult years. Virtually all of the most dangerous criminals were regularly threatened and punished in childhood. It is nature's plan that children learn attitudes and behaviors through observation and imitation of their parents' actions, for good or ill. Thus it is the responsibility of parents to set an example of empathy and wisdom.
2. In many cases of so-called "bad behavior", the child is simply responding in the only way he can, given his age and experience, to neglect of basic needs. Among these needs are: proper sleep and nutrition, treatment of hidden allergy, fresh air, exercise, and sufficient freedom to explore the world around him. But his greatest need is for his parents' undivided attention. In these busy times, few children receive sufficient time and attention from their parents, who are often too distracted by their own problems and worries to treat their children with patience and empathy. It is surely wrong and unfair to punish a child for responding in a natural way to having important needs neglected. For this reason, punishment is not only ineffective in the long run, it is also clearly unjust.
3. Punishment distracts the child from learning how to resolve conflict in an effective and humane way. As the educator John Holt wrote, "When we make a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks." A punished child becomes preoccupied with feelings of anger and fantasies of revenge, and is thus deprived of the opportunity to learn more effective methods of solving the problem at hand. Thus, a punished child learns little about how to handle or prevent similar situations in the future.
4. “Spare the rod and spoil the child”, though much quoted, is in fact a misinterpretation of Biblical teaching. While the “rod” is mentioned many times in the Bible, it is only in the Book of Proverbs that this word is used in connection with parenting. The book of Proverbs is attributed to Solomon, an extremely cruel man whose harsh methods of discipline led his own son, Rehoboam, to become a tyrannical and oppressive dictator who only narrowly escaped being stoned to death for his cruelty. In the Bible there is no support for harsh discipline outside of Solomon’s Proverbs. By contrast, the writings in the Gospels, the most important books in the Bible for Christians, contain the teachings of Jesus Christ, who urged mercy, forgiveness, humility, and non-violence. Jesus saw children as being close to God, and urged love, never punishment.3
5. Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us. The true spirit of cooperation which every parent desires can arise only through a strong bond based on mutual feelings of love and respect. Punishment, even when it appears to work, can produce only superficially good behavior based on fear, which can only take place until the child is old enough to resist. In contrast, cooperation based on respect will last permanently, bringing many years of mutual happiness as the child and parent grow older.
6. Many parents never learned in their own childhood that there are positive ways of relating to children. When punishment does not accomplish the desired goals, and if the parent is unaware of alternative methods, punishment can escalate to more frequent and dangerous actions against the child.
7. Anger and frustration which cannot be safely expressed by a child become stored inside; angry teenagers do not fall from the sky. Anger that has been accumulating for many years can come as a shock to parents whose child now feels strong enough to express this rage. Punishment may appear to produce "good behavior" in the early years, but always at a high price, paid by parents and by society as a whole, as the child enters adolescence and early adulthood.
8. Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in the child's mind an association between pain and sexual pleasure, and lead to difficulties in adulthood. "Spanking wanted" ads in alternative newspapers attest to the sad consequences of this confusion of pain and pleasure. If a child receives little parental attention except when being punished, this will further merge the concepts of pain and pleasure in the child's mind. A child in this situation will have little self-esteem, believing he deserves nothing better. For more on this topic, see "The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children" (also in French).
Even relatively moderate spanking can be physically dangerous. Blows to the lower end of the spinal column send shock waves along the length of the spine, and may injure the child. The prevalence of lower back pain among adults in our society may well have its origins in childhood punishment. Some children have become paralyzed through nerve damage from spanking, and some have died after mild paddlings, due to undiagnosed medical complications.
9. Physical punishment gives the dangerous and unfair message that "might makes right", that it is permissible to hurt someone else, provided they are smaller and less powerful than you are. The child then concludes that it is permissible to mistreat younger or smaller children. When he becomes an adult, he can feel little compassion for those less fortunate than he is, and fears those who are more powerful. This will hinder the establishment of meaningful relationships so essential to an emotionally fulfilling life.
10. Because children learn through parental modeling, physical punishment gives the message that hitting is an appropriate way to express feelings and to solve problems. If a child does not observe a parent solving problems in a creative and humane way, it can be difficult for him to learn to do this himself. For this reason, unskilled parenting often continues into the next generation.
Gentle instruction, supported by a strong foundation of love and respect, is the only truly effective way to bring about commendable behavior based on strong inner values, instead of superficially "good" behavior based only on fear.
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1 EPOCH Worldwide, 77 Holloway Road, London N78JZ UK
2 Personal communication.
3 End Violence Against the Next Generation (EVAN-G), 977 Keeler Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708, USA.
Note: An earlier version of this article appeared as Appendix D in Alice Miller's book Breaking Down the Wall of Silence (New York: Penguin USA, new edition 1997).
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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
27 comments:
you make some good points, but I'd avoid using the word "punishment" and stick to "hitting" - the people who currently think it's ok to hit their kids tend to react to the word "punishment" with "are you saying we can't disipline our children? they should just run wild and crazy? we have to be able to punish them!"
also, "spare the rod, spoil the child" IS a misinterperation of the bible, but there is more to it than you say. The verse is referring to the rod shephards use to guide their sheep - NEVER hit their sheep. The verse is saying without guidence and teaching, your children won't grow up well. It DOESN'T say hit your kids.
"Hitting children teaches them to become hitters themselves. "
BS. Kids are aggressive towards other kids because they're human. It's a trait of our species. Even restriction for an hour in a boring room teaches kids that they can get away with violence towards others because there are no SERIOUS consequences. By the time they learn that there are serious consequences they've already become abusers if they're inclined to.
"Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us."
Then how do you explain the fact that truly abused people often love their abusers? You make it sound like that wouldn't happen, but it does, all the time.
"Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in the child's mind an association between pain and sexual pleasure, and lead to difficulties in adulthood."
Oh, the horror! Your kid could grow up to be a twisted abnormal pervert who likes (GASP) spanking! This pretty much tells us all about your attitude, doesn't it? You're not only a prude, but apparently assume that you're right to be so and anyone who isn't as prudish as you is psychologically damaged at best. That's arrogant and bigoted of you.
"The prevalence of lower back pain among adults in our society may well have its origins in childhood punishment."
Now this is really absolute BS. I was spanked only twice as a kid, not harshly. I have back problems because I actually injured my back when I was 18. With many, many people the culprit is arthritus, brought on by injuries and strain in adolescence and adulthood. Are you trying to tell us that arthritus is related to spanking? Christ.
"Physical punishment gives the dangerous and unfair message that "might makes right", that it is permissible to hurt someone else, provided they are smaller and less powerful than you are. "
No, it teaches them what it feels like to be on the receiving end. As I said above, if you don't teach kids not to hurt others, they will. Sometimes even including you. You may think your gently-reared child is an absolute angel, but put him or her in a group of weaker kids, not letting them know they're being watched, and see what happens. Almost every child out there will try to take advantage of that situation -- and if the weaker kids don't cooperate, the stronger will beome aggressive.
"Because children learn through parental modeling, physical punishment gives the message that hitting is an appropriate way to express feelings and to solve problems."
Again, you have no clue. Kids will hit each other; if you got a whole lot of kids together who never do, you should check their DNA for serious mutations because they may very well not be human. Let them get away with abusive behavior towards others and they'll keep doing it. Time in the "time-out" chair isn't going to phase them when their temper gets the better of them; they'll probably think it's worth it or, more likely, won't care because your punishement doens't bother them anyway.
I know someone exactly like you. Her kids are both abusive and disrespectful towards everyone, including her. She talks nicely to her kids, tries to talk through problems with them, pusnishes them with 8-minute restrictions in their room and raises them about as gently as you advocate here. Those kids are the terrors of their classrooms, constantly trying to abuse the other kids. When they come home, they scream at her and make demands, disobey her constantly and generally treat her with no respect whatsoever. I'd say they treat her like a servant, but most people treat their servants better than that. And why are these kids like that? Because they get away with it. She tells one of them not do something and the kid immediately replies "Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?!" Their ages are only 5 and 8, yet both are already edging closer every month towards becoming full-fledged abusers. It's horrible to see this, which is why I stopped hanging around her. That sucked, because she was nice and I liked her, but I didn't want her kids abusing me and I got sick of seeing them abuse her.
My parents used to give me a spanking if I did something that merited such action. I totally agree with spanking and I feel this article is not in the best interests of a child.
This creates a situation where the child will not receive a punishment that can be leveled on them that they actually fear and will respect. Those without backbones that refuse to discipline their own children are the problem.
Teachers have to deal with these students that are unruley and were never taught from the cradle to respect their elders. The cycle only further perpetuates into adulthood as these same children who had no consequence in their lives become criminals and do not respect the system of laws.
"Virtually all of the most dangerous criminals were regularly threatened and punished in childhood."
Virtually all violent criminals also:
1. Ate breakfast cereal.
2. Went to school.
3. Watched saturday morning cartoons.
Given that correlation, I think we should also ban breakfast cereal, school, and saturday morning cartoons.
What about all the people who were spanked and didn't grow up to become violent criminals? Where is there a decent discussion of that?
Warren
Great article! I've never understood why people like some of the previous posters think it's ok to hit anyone. Most people that have been hit in child or adulthood feel not only the physical hurt, but humiliated, angry, and afraid. I know I certainly don't want to be hit, why would a child be seen as less human??
What does the Bible say on this subject, since the original article appears to attribute this source:
Proverbs 23:13 – “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.”
Some studies appear to support the author's conclusion that spanking is harmful to children, but others don't. Notably Dr. Diana Baumrind, of the University of California.
from (http://www.nospank.net/nytimes2.htm)
"Dr. Baumrind described findings from her own research, an analysis of data from a long-term study of more than 100 families, indicating that mild to moderate spanking had no detrimental effects when such confounding influences were separated out. When the parents who delivered severe punishment — for example, frequently spanking with a paddle or striking a child in the face — were removed from the analysis, Dr. Baumrind and her colleague, Dr. Elizabeth Owens, found that few harmful effects linked with spanking were left. And the few that remained could be explained by other aspects of the parent-child relationship."
To the people who apparently believe it's okay to physically abuse children if they're misbehaving:
Boundaries have to be set for children through the establishment of authority. If you can't find any other way of establishing authority than the abuse of your physical superiority, you're probably not mature enough to actually rear a child.
I agree that the author should clarify a distinction between "spanking" and "punishment." Children should be disciplined/punished: they need to learn actions have consequences.
For spanking to be an effective tool it should be done with an open palm (not an object so that the parent can judge the amount of force used,) on the buttocks, immediately after the infraction, and it should be done sparingly. If it's used for every little infraction the kids get used to it & stop caring, or they live in fear and have anxiety disorders.
That being said, there are other & better ways to discipline/punish a child; spanking isn't the only way. You can't reason with a 2yr old, so there are age-appropriate responses. Kids do need discipline; they beg for it. They test the lines of their world and will keep testing until they find it. Parents who don't discipline have poor relationships with their children as well.
I'm amazed that some of the people here seem personally offended that you even suggest that spanking is "bad." I think they feel like you've told them they're bad parents since they spank their children. It's like you've insulted a core belief of theirs. Not all bad parents spank their children, (my father was/is verbally abusive, but only spanked me once, I never had a good relationship with him) and it's not like all kids that were spanked turn out weirdo's, abusive, or in pain for the rest of their lives.
Gin, I dunno where you got that the author is a prude, arrogant bigot... seems you're taking his opinion a little too personally, really. Saying "I know exactly someone like you" from such little info you know about the author is just ludacris. How about I say I know people like you Gin, people like you need to take a chill-pill.
Your correct about the misquoting of the "Spare the rod spoil the child".
Your totally wrong about King Solomon's son. You don't understand what the Bible is saying or making up stuff.
see http://bible.cc/2_chronicles/10-1.htm. 2 Chronicles 10:8 alone proves you wrong.
"8 But he forsook the counsel of the old men which they had given him, and took counsel with the young men who had grown up with him, who stood before him."
>"Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in the child's mind an association between pain and sexual >pleasure, and lead to difficulties in adulthood."
If we follow your advice, we probably should not teach children to tie their shoes lest they catch a sexual foot fetish.
Fetishes come in all shapes, sizes. Spanking is just one of them.
> "Solomon, an extremely cruel man"
Solomon was not a wicked or king, he was a wise king. Anyone worth their salt knows he was the wisest man that ever lived.
Spanking should not be the first option that parents have. Love and good examples work better. But if you refuse to discipline your children, someone else will, maybe the police, or jail mates.
I'm sorry, but children must learn there are consequences to misbehavior. Sometimes, these consequences are minor, other times they are severe. We, as parents, need to be instruments of karma when it comes to our children. They have to learn that if you do bad things, bad things will return to you. If you avoid this discipline, you will have a society of spoiled children who grow up without any real empathy, having never felt pain themselves.
If anything, you need to differentiate between the concept of BEATING a child and disciplining them. They are not the same thing. And yes, it is wrong to hit a child without reason. A child needs to know beforehand that there are consequences such as a spanking for misbehaving. Spanking a child the first time they do something wrong should never be an option. But it should always be one when the child proceeds to knowingly misbehave.
The biggest misunderstanding here is the myth that people either use coercive punishment, or they don't do anything. There IS a way to discipline children without spanking, and without any kind of punishment. It's using mutual respect between caregiver and child, and lovingly guiding them to a solution. I was spanked as a child, but now that I have my own I strive to be a completely different sort of parent. One that doesn't spank or use any punishment. I am teaching my child right from wrong, rather than scaring him into doing what I want. It's not about being lazy--in fact, it's the opposite. Instead of threatening a spank from the couch, I get up and educate him on the natural consequences of his actions.
It is impossible to control another human being--a feat many spanking parents attempt to accomplish. Sooner or later the controlled realizes this and punishments just don't work.
If a person yells and hits to get their way, what kind of an example are they setting? When a person, any person, exhibits undesirable behaviour, they are doing what makes the most sense to them at the time. If it's a bad choice of actions, it's because they aren't aware of a more appropriate choice. We, as parents, teach children to express emotions in a healthy, safe way--not by hitting.
I am a youth case manager for emotionally disturbed children and worked in a group home for emotionally disturbed teenagers for seven and a half years. This article could be truly helpful if it did, as Noir suggests make a distinction between "spanking" and "beating."
For the record, I believe both are abusive. However, what anyone working with children very long will realize is learning how to prevent a traumatic situation is often less valuable than learning how to heal (or facilitate healing) after a traumatic situation.
Spanking (as I think of it) almost always occurs during "crisis" moments, and by that I mean when a caregiver simply doesn't know what to do as a consequence in the moment.
Let's say the child picks up a very sharp knife and wants to pretend it's a sword. The parent grabs the knife and spanks the child. The mature response after the spanking would be apologizing for the spanking (which does hurt the child, make no mistake) and explaining the emotional reaction. Although, for practical purposes, I don't suggest ever using the lines - "I did this because I love you, that was for your own good, or that hurt me worse than it hurt you." Keep love, good, and you (the parent) positive words unassociated with pain, harm, or danger. I suggest saying something like, "I'm sorry I spanked you, but I was afraid you'd hurt me with that knife. Don't play with sharp knives. They aren't toys." Being able to facilitate understanding after the event models care, respect, courage, healing, and discipline.
Spanking becomes beating when the parent does it repeatedly and outside of a crisis moment (like the old adage, wait until your father gets home). When the child gets spanked over every little infraction, it means the parent needs to learn a few new tricks. But worse, when the spanking occurs as a knowingly intentional act to inflict pain rather than an immediate response, a healthy relationship develops rifts because it is incredibly difficult to apologize or rationalize hurting someone intentially hurting someone you love, even if you believe you did it for his/her own good. I've never met a kid who bought this argument; I've only met parents who have. And they repeat this type of ineffective discipline on their loved ones. The healing process for these parents is long and frought with difficulty, pain, and guilt. Equally so for the kids.
In response to those who know children who are terrors because they are not spanked, I've seen the same pattern of neglecting to process afterward whatever the consequence may be. In fact, I agree that these kids usually have far less remorse or guilt over inflicting pain on others than children who have been spanked. Honestly, I've never met a decent mental health care worker with excellent healing capacity that didn't suffer some type of spanking. It was the understanding behind it that helped them heal and helps them heal others.
In closing, I will state, I've never spanked a child even though I was spanked a few times as a kid. My parents did process appropriately afterward (but typically used the lines I mentioned above which, even as a kid, I recognized as faulty justifications for their actions rather than apologies for causing hurt), and I think that understanding is a part of why I choose to care about those in physical and emotional pain.
For the pro-spanking posts:
Please site references to studies that show discipline via spanking benefits both child and parent.
Beyond this evidence, your opinions are just that.
Since someone already corrected you on Solomon and his son, I'll take the liberty of correcting you on Jesus. I suggest you look up the punishment he doled out by His own hand, to the moneychangers in the temple.
But what would I know? I'm only the oldest of 6 well-adjusted adult siblings, children of parents that raised them to love Jesus and all people. Children who were spanked regularly and not one of whom has ever been guilty of physical violence towards another person.
Children who will all spank their own children.
the only comments i really agree with here are from codefreespirit and noir because they seem the most even-keeled to me. i'll also have to agree with visitken, though. i can't think of a single asian person i know who was not spanked - in most cases "extremely severely" - who didn't grow up to be apparently well adjusted individuals.. and for what it's worth, i count myself in that group.
new.atheist said that people here seem personally offended that the article suggests that spanking is bad. i think the reason it might seem that way is because those people see themselves as living proof that spanking is totally fine. again, i count myself in that group.
in most cases that i've casually observed (e.g., in public) where parents try to get control of their kids verbally, the kids just continue to be nuisances. so the parents look like bad parents, and maybe it's easy to just draw the conclusion that in order to not be a bad parent, you have to spank your kids. i dunno.
btw.. what do you do when your child figures out that your stern words don't mean anything because he can just keep pushing your buttons and all you'll ever do is just say more words? "go to your room" or "time out" don't do anything either because if kids are anything like i was (time out was done at my elementary school), they'll just think it's a total waste of time.. or maybe even worth doing the bad thing.
i think if you only talk about the "extremes" of either side, you'll do a disservice to parents looking for advice. unfortunately, i think this article does just that. it's far too "one-sided". the title alone told me that.
Again, spanking/physical punishment and time out/stern words are NOT the only two options. Kevin said, "what do you do when your child figures out that your stern words don't mean anything because he can just keep pushing your buttons and all you'll ever do is just say more words? "go to your room" or "time out" don't do anything either because if kids are anything like i was (time out was done at my elementary school), they'll just think it's a total waste of time.. or maybe even worth doing the bad thing."
I agree. PUNISHMENT DOESN'T WORK. TEACH children. That's what works.
Very Very Thought-inspiring... Almost all of the comments, except for the obvious spam.
Now I have a small input, one that might be taken in light vein.
The kids are hit, usually with the right hand, so that is the right to left hitting, so as to drive the point home, and evil away; as the world is rotating left to right!
Now, if some sweet naughty kid has left handed hitter, as the punisher, does the point go farther away ??? The EVIL Deeper in ???
:-D
Ra.
Ok, lend our childs being uncorrected. If they act wrong, the only thing we have to do it's to support them and understand them, their needs, and so on...
One thing I wish more parents would understand is this simple sentence.
"It does not have to be solved this instant".
Everyone is in such a rush. Some think a smack on the whatever is a quick fix, and it isn't. Everyone needs to cool down and then gather together and really listen to one another, later on. And even then it may take some time to come to an understanding.
"It does not have to be solved now" works (unless we are talking someone is in danger and then solve it now please!) Most things are part of the development of both the parents and the children as they learn more of life each day, and isn't it wonderful to take the time to come to understand each other from the heart instead of working always from the outside in?
I gave up spanking early on, and it was a blessing to our family. It was a relic from my childhood that was unnecessary and harmful.
My kids have values that come from the inside and bless their world as well as those they share their time with. They understand from within, and not from a place of fear, why the golden rule is such a good thing to follow.
I can tell you that in my family, we were spanked regularly as children, and we grew up a tad violent. We would regularly punch each other, and once, my sister chased me and my brother with a handaxe, and we've definitely brandished knives at each other. And when I got older, I ended up in a physical altercation with my dad, and I could've easily killed him.
Nurture versus nature? Who knows, but I agree with the idea that spanking should never be the first line for discipline.
One pediatrician I talked to mentioned this anecdote where her 2 year old daughter had a protracted temper tantrum in a public space, crying and screaming and refusing to walk, with everyone staring and making judgemental comments. Her mom picked her up and carried her all the way home, with her kicking and screaming the whole time. Eventually the kid tired out, and she never pulled another temper tantrum again.
And to visitken, with regards to Korean Americans: anything I say would be a ridiculous generalization, but I just thought about the five murder-suicides perpetrated by Korean Americans that happened in L.A. earlier this year, and I can't help but wonder if this isn't the natural consequence of a culture where violence is sanctioned.
I agree, not all of us turn into psychotic criminals, but having been on the receiving end, I'm not inclined to use it on my kids, and I would disagree with anyone who thinks it's a good idea.
It has been well studied that people learn a lot better from positive reinforcement than from negative reinforcement. (After all, positive reinforcement is the whole reason why capitalism and meritocracy is supposed to work.) I was spanked as a kid, and I didn't turn out all whacko, but the fact of the matter is that everything I know about being a good person was gleaned from the things my parents actively taught me and not from the spanking. I'm not sure what I learned from being spanked, except maybe that when all else fails, I tend to resort to violence.
I believe physical punishment saps confidence and healthy risk taking. Something about touching a hot stove and never touching any stove again.
Children can learn through negative reinforcement as well as positive reinforcement. I've always felt that a spanking ritual as punishment is not intended to "hurt," but rather to humiliate, which is a far worse punishment than the brief physical pain a mere spanking caues. (Just a note: This is also a good rule for dogs. When whacked with a rolled up newspaper. It doesn't hurt them so much as scare them and makes them associate their behavior with rather unpleasant result. And presto! Changed behavior!) To quote my father, who is a wonderfully kind man, and who also raised three model citizens, thanks in no small part to judicious use of spanking, "Everything learns if you smack it." I intend to hold true to this school of though with mychildren, and with any luck, I will do half as good a job as he did. I would not go back and change one spanking my father gave me. (And, um... fetish spanking as a result of childhood spanking... that's just a ridiculous assertation. No pun intended.) As for leading to violence later in life... I firmly believe that if some of the little punks I see walking the streets today had been smacked around a little bit as children, the they would know how unpleasant it is and would be less inclined to act like the little miscreants they are.
4- That would only interests people who'd have a literalist interpretation of the Bible. I don't think such people are accessible to reason anyway. This being said, I don't know any literalist, there are not many where I live. Perhaps some are not as fucked up as they seem after all.
5- "Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us". Not true. Even the most cruelly abused children love their parents. Which is worse, because it's the persons they love most who make them suffer.
8- Are there actually documented cases of paralysis resulting from a mild spanking? Is there a study showing a correlation between fetish spanking and child abuse?
Should I add, I'm firmly against any kind of corporal punishment and a former abused child; I'm just sceptical about some of the arguments presented here.
I'm not quite sure how anyone can justify hitting someone else, even if it's just for "humiliation" or as a form of discipline that doesn't physically hurt that much.
Let's just look at it logically. It is against the law to assualt another person. As far as religion goes, I was taught in my religous ed classes the "Golden Rule", to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Jesus taught people to turn the other cheek. Kids who fight in school go to the principal's office. If they keep fighting they get suspened. Drunks that start fights in bars get bounced out.
Everywhere you look, religion, laws, schools, we have set rules in place that state it is not proper to hit another human being. Those that do suffer penalties. People like Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, who use non-violent methods to change other people's behavior are revered in our society.
When we hit children we are setting a poor example. In every other aspect of society it is not proper or acceptable to hit someone. Can you hit your employees if they screw up? Can you hit your boss if he makes you work late every night? Can you hit your spouse if you have an argument? In every case we have to use our brains to figure out how to resolve the situation.
How can you logically make the argument then, that we are teaching children anything positive my hitting them? Even if it's just a bottom spank or a slap on the wrist, the fact is it is still violent behavior that would not be accepted in any other sector of our society. What we are teaching them is that we are bigger and stronger and can exert our force upon them so they had better listen. What happens when they try this behavior in the real world?
Let's not even discuss the psychological aspects of spanking. I am not a psychologist and won't pretend to be one. Some of the psychological arguments against corporal punishment make sense to me, others seem iffy. The bottom line is that those of us who are the bigger, smarter, stronger individuals on this planet have an obligation as part of our social contract to help lead the weaker and less knowledgeable in a way that is consistent with what society believes and accepts. This should hold especially true for parents who are responsible for bringing other individuals into the world that never had any say in being born in the first place.
Don't hit kids.
I was hit as a child on a daily basis. It made me feel powerless, angry, scared, hateful, and worthless. It resulted in me having very low self esteem. As a child I hit my younger sister.My abuser would say"Don't hit your sister; she is smaller then you." Then she would hit me and complain how her hand hurt. Now even she agrees there are better ways to discipline children and she has regrets for how she treated me. People that don't have the patience and self control not to hit children shouldn't have children. Everyone who has a child should be forced to take parenting classes to teach them how to treat children. You are supposed to protect and guide your children, not be the one they fear. Hitting your children is no more effective then other forms of punishment. Discipline is teaching children morals, values, rules, guidelines, boundaries, limits, and standards for acceptable behavior. A lot of this is taught by parents setting a good example. Also parents need to be consistant with other methods of discipline. Parents should promote all of their clild's positive traits, qualities and characteristics. Hitting your children is the lazy way out. Sure it works, wouldn't you listen if someone bigger then you was threatening you with physical harm. But if you love your children how could you hurt them? Learn other methods.
In principle, a good happen, support the views of the author
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